


Try

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kim Hanbin - centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-04-24 01:47:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19163320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: It starts with a slap. Really, it probably starts way before that, but Jinhwan doesn’t know exactly when, so he decides; it starts with a slap.“I’m trying hyung.” Chanwoo said quietly but everyone could still hear it over their own ragged breathing, “I really am.”“Tryharder.” Hanbin hissed and turned around.Jinhwan heard Chanwoo mutter something under his breath but couldn’t make out the words but Hanbin was close enough and he twisted around with none of his usual grace and brought a hand up, and then;SLAP





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first iKON fic that ended up being way longer than it was supposed to be.
> 
> Tumblr: kimseokjinismybabe.tumblr.com  
> Twitter: @Ebbzon1

It starts with a slap. Really, it probably starts way before that, but Jinhwan doesn’t know exactly when, so he decides; it starts with a slap. 

They’d been practicing for hours and everyone were getting tired and irritable, Hanbin more obvious with how he kept running his hand through his hair and cursing under his breath, but Jinhwan could see it on everyone. Yunhyeong was drenched in sweat and his brows were pinched slightly in annoyance but otherwise there was no sign of what he actually felt. The younger man has always been a calming presence and if Jinhwan is being honest he’d been the only one keeping him from snapping. Because if Yunhyeong could keep it together then Jinhwan should be able to as well, he’s the oldest after all. 

Jiwon and Junhoe were more obvious with the sighs and grumbles they let out each time Hanbin restarted the song or corrected the member’s mistakes. Junhoe had nearly stormed out of the practice room two hours into practice but Hanbin’s sharp yell had stopped him but it was clear he really didn’t want to be there any longer. Jiwon had earned a few scoldings for dropping to his knees each time Hanbin went to fiddle with the music and he had practically been fuming when Hanbin had called him lazy but fortunately it hadn’t spiraled into an argument. 

Donghyuk and Chanwoo were mostly quiet, following orders but having trouble keeping up as exhaustion pulled at their muscles, and each time a mistake was pointed out they seemed to shrink in on themselves. They were the more sensitive members with things like this and their insecurities from their trainee days had never really gone away and Hanbin really wasn’t helping. Jinhwan may not be the biggest guy but he still felt very protective of his members and even though he knew Hanbin was coming from a good place with his comments he still wanted to tell him to shut up at times.

Chanwoo took a step to the right when he was supposed to go left and Jinhwan sighed when Hanbin angirly turned off the music. The leader stormed up to Chanwoo and if it had been anyone else it probably would have looked ridiculous how a man as large as Chanwoo recoiled at the presence of such a scrawny man. But this was Hanbin, and Hanbin could be really fucking scary when he was like this, so Jinhwan didn’t find the situation funny at all. 

“What’s so fucking hard about this choreo?” Hanbin practically growled, getting in Chanwoo’s space.

“I’m trying hyung.” Chanwoo said quietly but everyone could still hear it over their own ragged breathing, “I really am.”

“Try _harder_.” Hanbin hissed and turned around.

Jinhwan heard Chanwoo mutter something under his breath but couldn’t make out the words but Hanbin was close enough and he twisted around with none of his usual grace and brought a hand up, and then;

_SLAP_

It took all but a few seconds but for Jinhwan it felt like time slowed down. Junhoe rushed over and pulled Chanwoo back from Hanbin and put himself between the two. Jiwon took two quick steps and pushed Hanbin back and the younger simply let himself be pushed, seemingly in shock at his own actions. Donghyuk and Yunhyeong found their way to the youngest’s side and he was covered from all angles but Jinhwan could see the tears in his eyes and that was the drop for him and he pushed his way past Jiwon to get in Hanbin’s face.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he yelled and grabbed hold of the front of Hanbin’s shirt, “He took one step wrong and you fucking hit him?”

“I didn’t mean to.” Hanbin whispered, shaking his head before looking up at the others past Jinhwan’s shoulder and spoke a little louder, “I really didn’t mean to do that, I don’t know what came over me.”

“We’re out of here.” Junhoe said, already moving towards their bags in the corner.

Donghyuk and Yunhyeong led Chanwoo over to the bench by the wall and they changed into their outdoor shoes in silence before grabbing their jackets and bags and leaving with Junhoe in tow. Jinhwan cursed under his breath and went over to his bag and Jiwon followed. Their breathing was still loud but the silence was echoing in the practice room. 

“Get your shit together, man.” Jiwon threw over his shoulder as he held the door open for Jinhwan and they left.

* * *

Hanbin’s hands wouldn’t stop shaking. He had tried to burn off some of his energy by dancing after the others left but his steps were too unsteady and mind too uneasy. He had taken one step into his studio and he could feel himself break. There was no way he’d be able to get any work done in this state but he was afraid to go home. The guys were angry with him - as they should be, his mind helpfully added - and he really didn’t think he’d be able to handle a confrontation right now. 

He put his hands in his pockets and headed for the elevators but thought better of it when the elevator dinged, letting its arrival be known. He didn’t deserve to take the elevator. He made his way down two flights of stairs before he scoffed at himself, he always did this to himself, trying to find some way to punish himself for his mistakes but never actually fixing them. 

He had walked home and he glanced at his watch as he neared the apartment and shook his head when it told him it was past 2 AM. He hadn’t realised how long he had taken to get back but he really hoped the others would be in bed by now so he could push back any confrontation to a time when he had actually gotten some sleep. He’d probably be able to get three hours if he was quick with his shower since they had a schedule the following morning. They had vocal practice in the morning and at noon they’d be filming for some interview and Hanbin could already picture how awkward it would be. 

He took a quick detour to the kitchen to grab something to eat and he tried to remember the last meal he had had and realised his diet for the day had been an array of unhealthy snacks and his stomach was growling angrily at its disregard. As he boiled some water for his cup of instant noodles he could feel the familiar feeling of unworthiness creep up and turned off the kettle before heading down the hall to the bathroom but froze when he saw the sliver of light from under Chanwoo’s door. He could just walk past it, take his shower and try to fall asleep but Chanwoo’s hurt face flashed behind his eyelids and he figured he should take Jiwon’s advice.

_Get your shit together, man._

He brought a still shaking hand up to the door and gave two quick knocks. He really hoped Chanwoo was still awake and that he hadn’t just fallen asleep with the lights on. He heard some movement from inside and then the door opened. Chanwoo’s face looked annoyed for about a second before a look of surprise covered his face and maybe Hanbin should have thought this through before knocking because he had no idea of what to say. It was like the reality of what had happened only dawned on him right then. 

He had hit Chanwoo.

The boy who was too nice for his own good even if he had some evil tendencies. The boy who was far too insecure for the amount of talent he held and Hanbin felt like throwing up when he realised how he was a huge cause of those insecurities. He was supposed to be the leader for his group and an older brother to Chanwoo but he really hadn’t been acting his part over these last few weeks as they were working towards their comeback.

“I’m sorry.” he blurted when he realised he’d been silent for way too long.

“It’s alright,” Chanwoo sighed, “I deserved it.”

“No!” Hanbin didn’t even feel bad if his yell had woken anyone up, he couldn’t possibly let Chanwoo believe that, “No Chanwoo, you didn’t. You never deserve to get hit because of a mistake, it was wrong of me to do that and I’ll make it up to you. You don’t have to forgive me but i promise you, I’ll do better.”

“Alright.” Chanwoo said and looked a bit uncomfortable and Hanbin couldn't say he blamed him. Here he was, still in his workout clothes, probably stinking and trying to apologize.

“I’m really sorry Chanwoo.” he said again and the younger nodded, “You should go to sleep, we have to be up by six.”

Chanwoo nodded again and closed the door in his face and Hanbin really hoped he’d be forgiven. He had said it was alright but in Hanbin’s experience saying something was alright never actually meant that it was. He needed to make it up to Chanwoo, he needed to make it up to all of them. Everyone made mistakes but there were things that should never happen and hitting your friends was one of them. Hanbin really needed to do better.

* * *

Junhoe was pissed. There was no other way of putting it. He could brush Hanbin’s rude comments off and if he spent some time thinking about it he could understand where the slightly older man was coming from. They needed to be the best and sugarcoating things would never lead to that, so most of the time, Junhoe just let it go whenever Hanbin went a bit too far, whenever he was a bit too harsh. But what he did yesterday was unacceptable and Junhoe was pissed. 

Hanbin had cooked them breakfast and Junhoe was sure that the only reason they ate the food he’d made was because they hadn’t had dinner the night before. Junhoe hadn't even thanked him and if he was honest he didn’t give a shit about the dejected look on the leader’s face at that. A simple meal wouldn’t change what he had done and Junhoe wasn’t going to make it easy for Hanbin to earn their forgiveness even though it seemed like Chanwoo was already starting to forgive him.

The youngest had a messed up sense of self worth and they all knew it. Even after their debut and the drama of the survival show, the insecurity had remained. Junhoe wasn’t the most sensitive person in their group but he still cared very much for all the members and even he had to admit he had a soft spot for their maknae despite the fact that he could annoy the hell out of him at times. The boy could be incredibly sweet if he wanted to and Junhoe hated that he couldn’t see just how talented he truly was so he wouldn’t let Hanbin off the hook so easily even if Chanwoo probably thought he had deserved that treatment from the leader.

* * *

Yunhyeong wouldn’t consider himself an angry person and never thought he’d be one to hold grudges but it seemed like he was starting to. He knew his members well and would even claim to be the one who understood each of them the best but he had been shocked by Hanbin’s actions the previous week. If it had happened during their time in the survival shows then he’d probably understand, it wouldn’t make the situation any better, but he would have understood. The stress Hanbin had been under during those times had been extreme and for the leader stress tended to either manifest as intense restlessness or anger. But since then Hanbin had gotten better at handling his emotions and the workload he was under had lessened marginally from his understanding. 

So he couldn’t really understand what had led to Hanbin hitting Chanwoo and if he was being honest he didn’t really care to know. Each time he started to think about asking Hanbin about it, it was like he could hear the echo of the slap in his head and see the stunned, hurt look on the youngest face and his protectiveness won over his concern about Hanbin’s motives. 

He could tell Hanbin was sorry though. He had heard him up early each morning cooking them food for both breakfast and lunch even though Junhoe and Jinhwan had refused to eat it a few times when they decided they could go hungry for a few hours longer to pick something up on the way home. With some shame he had to admit that he had considered doing the same to show Hanbin that he couldn’t just feed them and expect them to forgive him but then he’d see the way Hanbin’s face would fall at the rejection and he’d shovel the food in his mouth with nothing but a quick thanks. Even if he was mad at Hanbin he still cared about the younger but he wanted him to actually apologize before he’d start to forgive him.

* * *

Jiwon had been ready to forgive Hanbin a few days after the incident but then he started noticing things in the group that made him hesitate. He noticed the way Chanwoo seemed to shrink in on himself, almost scared, each time Hanbin corrected him on something and the way Donghyuk was working hard to help Chanwoo with issues in the choreography, staying later than usual even though they didn’t really have a time limit on learning the dance. When he had asked the dancer about it he had said he just wanted to make sure it wouldn’t happen again and Jiwon realised Donghyuk felt the need to protect Chanwoo from Hanbin. The man who was supposed to be their leader but had messed up so badly that one of the members didn’t trust him not to hurt them over simple mistakes. 

So Jiwon hadn’t forgiven him because it wasn’t as simple as he’d thought. He’d thought that it was just an issue of Hanbin’s aggression coming back in a moment of weakness and when he had noticed how the leader was beating himself up over it he had been ready to forgive because he obviously knew he’d done wrong. But it wasn’t so simple. His mistake had caused far deeper issues within the group. Not just with Donghyuk and Chanwoo but the others as well. Junhoe was obviously pissed and Yunhyeong was uncharacteristically cold while Jinhwan simply spent his time doting on all the members except for Hanbin who he just glared at if he even looked in his direction. 

Jiwon didn’t like the way things were going but it was Hanbin’s mistake so he would have to be the one to fix it. He was the leader after all so he should be capable enough to bring them together again. Jiwon just hoped it wouldn’t take too long.

* * *

So maybe Donghyuk had overreacted a bit with his intense protectiveness over Chanwoo. Hanbin obviously knew he’d made a mistake and Chanwoo had told him he’d even apologized the same night of the incident and had promised to make it up to him. It had explained the meals he had cooked for them and he seemed to have learnt how to give critique in a nicer way. 

He thinks that it’s trauma that caused him to react so drastically with his private lessons with Chanwoo and his quick conversation with Jiwon about wanting to prevent Hanbin from having a reason to hurt Chanwoo. Trauma might be too strong of a word but he doesn’t know how else to explain the way their days on the survival shows still haunts him. Back then a simple mistake could mean elimination and that in turn would mean they wouldn’t get to achieve their dream. He knows that was why Hanbin had been so harsh in the past and seeing him like that would bring that fear back even now.

Speaking of seeing Hanbin, Donghyuk had noticed how little time the leader spent at the dorms. They’d mostly seen him at the company building during practices or meetings and Donghyuk knew that Hanbin had a larger workload than the rest of them as the leader but he was sure it wasn’t enough to warrant this degree of absence. He suspected it was because of how the group had been acting since the incident but him not being around meant they never got the time to actually address the issue. 

Donghyuk had tried to get them to have a group meeting after one of the practices but Jiwon had a meeting for an upcoming collaboration and Hanbin had rushed off without any of them even asking where he was going. He had tried to talk to Junhoe about the situation as he seemed to be the most angry with Hanbin but the slightly older man had brushed him off, telling him it should be Hanbin trying to fix this, not Donghyuk.

* * *

Hanbin wasn’t sure how he was supposed to fix this. He had apologized to Chanwoo and he had hoped the others would eventually forgive him but he hadn’t expected how cold the others would be to him. He thought the the cooked meals and the fact that he’d been much nicer during their dance practices would make up for his mistake but that obviously hadn’t worked. It didn’t help that he’d been asked to work on music for a few other artists on top of their preparations for their upcoming comeback, which meant he had barely been home over the last couple weeks apart from catching up on some sleep. He could feel stress building up again and he couldn’t find enough time in the day to complete everything he needed to get done. 

If the situation with the group hadn’t been so tense he probably would have asked the others to help him out. Have Donghyuk and Jinhwan lead a few dance practices and bounce ideas for songs back and forth with Jiwon. But he couldn’t do that now, he doubted they’d even want to help him now. They had all practically been ignoring him since he hit Chanwoo and he knew he deserved it but he had hoped they’d eventually come around, especially since Chanwoo had pretty much forgiven him right away. But the others weren’t so quick to forgive. 

He tried not to feel hurt when no one mentioned how he hadn’t been home for three days when he stumbled into the dorms after a grueling meeting with their managers. Chanwoo had said a quick hello and Jiwon grunted from where he was absorbed in a game on his phone. He passed Junhoe in the hall while heading for the bathroom and they nearly bumped into each other and the younger muttered that he should watch where he was going. He started to apologize but Junhoe had already walked away with stomping steps. 

He felt tears forming in his eyes and he tried to blink them away as he grabbed some clothes before heading for the bathroom. He could cry in the shower where no one could hear or see his sobbing form. Everything was just getting to be too much and his control of his emotions kept slipping. He couldn’t remember how many times he’d wanted to cry over the last few weeks and he hated how many times he’d actually broken down in that time. The whole situation was his fault anyways. If only he had more control this wouldn’t be happening.

* * *

Jinhwan was rarely late but he had met up with a friend for lunch and lost track of time and he had to rush to the company building. He checked the time when he finally made it into the elevator and sighed in relief when he saw he was only a few minutes late. They were fortunately just practising for a couple songs they’d been learning for a few weeks now so they didn’t have a teacher who’d scold them for being late. Hanbin would probably give him an annoyed look but he honestly didn’t care. Besides, the leader had been running late for most of their group schedules so he really wasn’t one to talk about punctuality. 

The elevator dinged and he stepped into the corridor and when he glanced down the hall he saw Hanbin stood with one of their managers a couple doors down from their practice room and Jinhwan couldn’t help but frown when he heard the angry tone of the manager’s voice. They’d recently gotten a new manager after the one before went on parental leave to take care of his newborn daughter. The new manager, Taehyun, was an older man and he tended to be very strict, which contrasted their other managers who gave them quite a bit of freedom. Jinhwan had been a bit thrown off by the manager’s harsh tone but quickly got used to it and figured it wouldn’t be so bad to have someone to balance out the lenience of the other managers. 

He walked down the hall and he could see Hanbin shrink in on himself as Taehyun cursed under his breath. Jinhwan couldn’t make out the words at first but now that he was closer he could hear Hanbin’s mumbled apology and he wondered what he’d gotten scolded for now. To Jinhwan’s surprise Taehyun raised a hand and a single slap landed across Hanbin’s face, making him turn his way. Hanbin’s previously shocked expression was quickly masked by a blank look on his face when he noticed Jinhwan watching.

“Jinhwan-hyung.” Hanbin greeted as he neared and Taehyun turned and looked surprised before he scolded his expression and simply nodded at Jinhwan before storming off.

“You okay?” Jinhwan said once he was sure Taehyun was out of hearing distance and placed a hand on Hanbin’s shoulder.

“I’m fine.” Hanbin shrugged him off with a tense smile, “Let’s go practice, the others are waiting for us.”

Hanbin pushed past Jinhwan and he followed as if in a daze. The side of Hanbin’s face was slightly red but it was quickly fading and he doubted the others even noticed. They’d all been so angry with Hanbin over the last few weeks but now that Jinhwan’s worry grew he couldn’t help but notice the way Hanbin looked almost scared to address the group to start practice. There was a pensive look on Hanbin’s face and he had dark circles under his eyes and even though it wasn’t the first time Jinhwan had seen him like this he still felt concerned about him. He had thought Hanbin had gotten better at not overworking himself but it seemed like he was back to his old habits of not sleeping properly and Jinhwan suspected he probably wasn’t eating well either. 

Hanbin fiddled with the sound system and Jinhwan was pulled out of his thoughts as music filled the room and they took their starting positions. He made a note in his mind to talk to Hanbin later about what was going on but for now he let himself move to the rhythm of the song.

* * *

Hanbin was frustrated. The practice had gone well but Junhoe’s glares and the others’ indifference towards him made him want to crawl into a hole and never come out. But he didn’t have the luxury of doing that with the pressure from YG to get the demos for the songs he was working on ready and he rushed off to his studio after a quick shower in the company locker room. 

Taehyun had been letting him know of the upcoming deadlines before practice and Hanbin hadn’t meant to whine about how unrealistic the demands were but he had. The manager had scolded him for being ungrateful and then he had gone and given a half hearted apology that was so obviously disrespectful and the man had slapped him. It hadn’t been the first time the man had done it and he’d received similar treatment before from managers and choreographers alike when his attitude got the best of him. It wouldn’t have been a big deal either if Jinhwan hadn’t seen it and Hanbin knew the older would confront him about it sooner or later.

Hanbin shook his head to try and get rid of the frustration at the situation and focused back on the track he was working on. YG wanted two of the demos done by tomorrow afternoon and he was only just starting with the finishing touches on the first track but he knew he’d be able to finish it up if he kept his focus all through the night. He was glad he had stocked up on the energy drinks and instant coffee in his studio because there was no way he’d be able to get this done without it. 

There was a knock on the door and Hanbin turned in his chair to see Jinhwan peek his head in. There was a concerned look on his face and even if Hanbin liked this look far more than the usual death glares he’d been getting from the older lately he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at him. Of course he’d want to do this right now when Hanbin had no time.

“Can I talk to you?” Jinhwan asked as he stepped inside and Hanbin shook his head.

“Now’s not really a good time.” 

“Why’s that?” Jinhwan asked and Hanbin frowned at the softness of his voice, it was so different from how he’d been speaking to him lately.

“I have two demos I need to complete by tomorrow so I need to focus.” he said and gestured to his screen, “I know what you want to talk about, but can we please do this at another time. I really can’t do this right now.”

Jinhwan seemed to hesitate slightly and Hanbin really hoped he’d just leave so he could get back to work already. But no such luck.

“Has Taehyun hit you before?”

“Just a couple times.” Hanbin said and quickly saved his work in case this would end up being a long conversation, “You don’t need to worry about it. It doesn’t happen often.”

“We should report him.” Jinhwan declared and Hanbin ran his hands down his face in frustration, he didn’t have time for this right now.

“Jinhwan,” Hanbin sighed and the older looked at him with searching eyes, as if he was trying to find some kind of answer in his face, “he just lost his temper because I was giving him attitude, alright? You of all people know how I can get.”

“It doesn’t mean he should hit you though!” Jinhwan exclaimed and even though Hanbin was done with this conversation before it even started, he felt warmth bloom in his chest at the fact that Jinhwan seemed to care.

“Maybe not,” Hanbin agreed and Jinhwan smiled in victory before Hanbin continued, “but I don’t have the time to go through the whole process of reporting him right now so can we please just hold off on this for a while? He probably won’t even do it again now that you saw it.”

Jinhwan seemed ready to argue but there must have been something in Hanbin’s eyes that convinced him to let it go for now because he deflated and nodded in agreement. Hanbin gave a quick nod and turned his chair around in what he hoped would be a clear dismissal and unlocked his computer that had gone into sleep mode during their conversation.

“What are you working on?” Jinhwan’s voice was suddenly next to his ear and Hanbin flinched, not having noticed the older coming closer.

“A couple tracks for YG,” Hanbin said and glanced at Jinhwan to see his brows furrow, “he asked me to produce a few songs for a couple other artists and he wants to see what I’ve come up with so far.”

“So that’s why you haven’t been home much lately?” Jinhwan asked and Hanbin only hummed in response.

He didn’t feel like going into how the dorms didn’t feel like home as of late. Or how he was scared of getting into a confrontation with the others. It wasn’t like he was scared of them, it was rather that he knew he’d break down if one of them were to say anything particularly harsh and he really didn’t want them to see him like that. Especially with the way they seemed to hate him lately.

“Well, I guess I should let you get back to work then.” Jinhwan said and headed for the door, “Try to get some sleep tonight, we have a schedule tomorrow.”

Hanbin nodded again and breathed a sigh of relief once the door closed and put on his headphones. He just had to finish these tracks and then he was back on schedule. Maybe he could complete an extra track just to make it up to Taehyun for his attitude earlier that day.

* * *

Jiwon frowned as he ate his breakfast. Hanbin wasn’t home and he couldn’t help but feel concerned. When he had gone to bed the night before he had assumed the leader would eventually find his way back to the dorms to get some sleep but his obvious absence at the table told him that his assumption was wrong. He didn’t know why he felt a sense of dread because of it, Hanbin hadn’t joined them for breakfasts or dinners for weeks now; maybe that was why.

Or maybe it was Jinhwan’s silence that caused it, it wasn’t unusual for the oldest to be quiet in the mornings but there was something about him that made Jiwon feel like there was more to it. He didn’t even yell at Junhoe for acting as an impromptu fire alarm when he set the eggs on fire. Something was going on but if Jiwon was perfectly honest he was too tired to ask about it. 

When they arrived at the company for practice Hanbin was already there and even if he looked exhausted he was pleased to see the younger man munch on a sandwich, at the very least he wasn’t starving himself. They warmed up as they waited for the choreographer to arrive. The plan was to make sure that they got everything right before they moved on to the next couple songs. 

The choreographer, Jung Minhyuk, arrived and Jiwon felt a bit anxious, the man could be very harsh in his critique and if Jiwon was honest he hadn’t quite recovered from the scolding he got when they first started working on the choreo. He had been told that he was too relaxed in his movements and even if it would look good on its own, it looked wrong when he danced next to the other members. He really hoped he had improved since they last saw the choreographer.

They only made it halfway through the song before Minhyuk turned off the music and Jiwon frowned in confusion. He had seen them move in the mirror and he hadn’t noticed any mistakes but they must have done something wrong to earn the stern look on Minhyuk’s face. 

“I expect better from you guys.” the man said and Jiwon could see the others’ confusion in the mirror, “Especially you, Hanbin.”

Jiwon let his gaze flick over to Hanbin in the mirror and saw him nod in agreement. He was the only one that didn’t seem confused at the critique. 

“We didn’t get anything wrong though?” Donghyuk spoke up hesitantly and Minhyuk’s frown deepened.

“Can you not see how out of sync you are?” he said in disbelief, “And I don’t mean with the beat, but the feel of it. It was better when we first started with this dance and you were stumbling all over the place.”

“I know.” Hanbin said and stepped forward, “We’ve been a bit out of tune but we’ll keep it in mind. We can proceed.”

Minhyuk only shook his head in response but restarted the song and Jiwon tried to pay attention to what he was saying about the “feel”. They all hit the beats perfectly but now that Jiwon was paying attention he could see what he meant; there was something disconnected between them. They were dancing in sync but they weren’t dancing together.

They ran through the dance three more times before Minhyuk cursed under his breath right as the song cut off and Jiwon could feel all of them balk at the anger radiating from the man. 

“There is obviously something wrong in the group.” Minhyuk said and beckoned Hanbin over and instructed the others to take a break.

They didn’t say a word as they uncapped their water bottles in the corner of the room and they all tried to discreetly listen in on what their leader was being told but they were speaking in hushed tones and Jiwon couldn’t make out the words. He could see how Hanbin nodded in agreement to whatever Minhyuk said but his frame held none of the confidence that usually surrounded the leader. 

“I’m leaving.” Minhyuk addressed them all loudly and Jiwon’s eyebrows raised in surprise, “I’m disappointed by your performance but I will come back next week and by then I hope you’ll have improved.”

As soon as the door closed behind Minhyuk, Hanbin slid down the wall and rubbed his hands against his face in frustration. Jiwon and the others hesitantly walked over to him and sat down on the floor with him but none of them were sure what to say and they just sat there in silence.

“What did he say?” Chanwoo eventually spoke up and Hanbin finally pulled his head out of his hands.

“We need to be unit.” Hanbin said and stood up, making the others automatically follow, “The tension in the group is obvious in our movements.”

“And who’s fault is that?” Junhoe muttered but they all heard it loud and clear.

Hanbin sighed and to Jiwon it looked like his eyes had aged twenty years before he spoke up, “I’ve been trying to correct it during our practices but I don’t know how to fix it. Let’s just go over it again and try and keep the issue in mind.”

* * *

They continued practicing for another two hours after Minhyuk left and Donghyuk felt like they were making some progress, albeit slowly, but progress nonetheless. Actually knowing the issue really helped and Donghyuk was frustrated that Hanbin had known there was an issue but neglected to tell them that and instead had them run over the same dance over and over again for weeks, not even telling them why.

They all went to the company cafeteria together for lunch and they ate in exhausted silence. It wasn’t even that their bodies were tired - though, of course they were - but it was more that they were mentally exhausted. They had to put in far more effort than before to try and hide the staleness between them and Donghyuk had felt a headache coming on after the first hour and the brightness of the cafeteria made it worse. He didn’t want to cause any trouble though so he looked through his bag for some painkillers as the others put away their trays.

“Here.” Hanbin’s voice came from above him and he looked up to see his hand outstretched with a pill bottle, “You have a headache, right?”

“Yeah.” Donghyuk said quietly and frowned, he thought he had hidden his discomfort fairly well, but it seemed like nothing escaped the leader’s keen eyes, “Thanks.”

“Just say something next time.” Hanbin smiled softly as he took back the bottle after Donghyuk fished out a pill, “There’s no use in unnecessarily going around in pain.”

“That’s funny coming from you.” he hadn’t meant to say the remark aloud but fortunately Hanbin only chuckled in response.

“Touché.” 

It was only then that Donghyuk fully took note of the dark circles under the leader’s eyes and the way his face was pale and much more gaunt since last time Donghyuk got a good look at him. Hanbin looked exhausted, almost sick, but the smile on his face was a nice change from his usual expression and Donghyuk didn’t feel like wiping it off his face with a comment about his health. Hanbin had a tendency to shut down whenever they showed their concern, it was a bad habit that they’d been trying to help him get rid of but with the way they’d been treating him lately, Donghyuk suspected the progress they’d made had been reversed.

They went back to practice and after a couple hours they called it quits as Hanbin had a meeting with YG and the rest of them went home. Donghyuk could tell both Jiwon and Junhoe were in sour moods and he understood them. It had been a tiring day and even if they had made some progress, they were still frustrated that there was even a problem to begin with. Junhoe had grumbled over and over how it was Hanbin’s fault and Donghyuk had wanted to tell him he was wrong but he didn’t want to cause an argument. Even if it was Hanbin’s fault that there was tension in the group in the first place, the rest of them really weren’t making it better.

* * *

Yunhyeong pulled himself out of bed with a groan. He had never had problems with waking up in the morning but lately he had trouble getting out of bed, his usual excitement for his work was no longer there. Even if they spent most of their time like they used to do, practicing hard and hanging out together during down time, there was a distinct change in the group; Hanbin was never there, or well, he was during practice but he wasn’t really there. He was always a bit further from the rest of them and Yunhyeong missed him. 

He hadn’t forgotten the incident but he wished it wouldn’t have had such a huge effect on them. He didn’t know if they could to do their comeback when they were like this and the scolding from Minhyuk the day before told him that the tension wasn’t just obvious for the ones involved. They really needed to fix this, and soon. It wouldn’t be enough to just learn how to dance as a unit again, they had scheduled interviews and award shows they needed to attend and Yunhyeong doubted they were good enough actors to keep people from finding out that something was wrong. 

Yunhyeong was up before the rest of them despite his reluctance of getting out of bed and he cooked them a hearty breakfast so they could perform well during practice. When the rest of them joined him at the table he couldn’t help but notice Hanbin’s sad eyes as he slowly ate. A lump formed in his stomach when he recognized the leader’s behavior from their pre-debut days; when it seemed like a single comment would make him break - he never broke in front of them but Yunhyeong knew it happened. The worst part was that now Hanbin was probably scared of comments coming from them, not evaluators and teachers. God, how far they had fallen. 

When they arrived at the company for practice they were surprised to see Taehyun waiting for them there. Hanbin seemed to tense up at the glare the man directed at them and Yunhyeong was about to place a comforting hand on his shoulder when Taehyun beckoned them forward and they followed so they were stood in a half circle in front of the manager. 

“I had a conversation with Minhyuk yesterday.” Taehyun said slowly and Yunhyeong frowned at the fact that the man stared only at Hanbin as he spoke, “He was very disappointed with you all and I am too. Especially at the fact that I wasn’t told there was an issue.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I thought I could handle it.” Hanbin said quietly.

“Well, obviously you couldn’t.” Taehyun scoffed, “I expect more from all of you, but especially you, Hanbin. You’re supposed to be the leader but you obviously can’t even do that right.”

“I’m trying.” Hanbin’s voice was shaking and Yunhyeong’s heart clenched at not knowing how to help.

“Well try _harder_.” Taehyun snapped and stepped up to tower over Hanbin.

“I am, I reall-”

Hanbin’s protest was cut off by a loud slap and Yunhyeong let out a gasp of surprise. His face was turned away from him but Yunhyeong locked eyes with Junhoe, who was stood on Hanbin’s other side, for a second and he looked completely horrified. Taehyun only scoffed into the silence of the room before taking his leave and it was like all of them were frozen in shock. 

“Are you okay?” Chanwoo was the one to snap out of it first and walked over to Hanbin to touch his shoulder gently.

“Fine.” Hanbin said but the tremble in his voice said otherwise, “Let’s just start practice.”

“No way!” Jinhwan exclaimed, “We’re reporting him. I know you said you don’t have time for it but there’s no way we can just let him get away with treating you like this.”

“I said it’s fine.” Hanbin snapped, “I can deal with it, it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had to deal with violent managers and choreographers.”

“What are you saying?” Jiwon asked, “Has this happened before?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Hanbin sighed and walked past them to head to the sound system, “I deserved it.”

“No you didn’t.” Donghyuk said and they all walked closer to the leader, surrounding him.

“I did.” Hanbin ran a hand through his hair when he noticed their close proximity, “Look, I appreciate the concern, but I’m fine.”

“You’re the one who said no one deserves to get hit for a mistake.” Chanwoo spoke up and Yunhyeong’s head snapped to the youngest in surprise, “Were you lying that night when you apologized?”

“That’s different.”

“How?” Chanwoo asked and grabbed hold of both of Hanbin’s shoulders to get him to look at him, “How is it any different?”

“Because you’re you!” Hanbin exclaimed and peeled Chanwoo’s hands off of him.

“What?”

“You’re the maknae and you took a step wrong while dancing. You’re not the leader who managed to ruin the whole group dynamic because he’s a temperamental asshole!” Hanbin yelled before covering his face with his hands. But it didn’t matter, they already saw the tears that started falling. 

“You apologized?” Junhoe said after a while and Yunhyeong looked over at him to see a regretful look on his face.

“He did.” Chanwoo said when Hanbin didn’t answer, “The same night that it happened.”

“Oh.” four voices echoed and Hanbin’s hands dropped from his face.

“What?” Hanbin said in disbelief, “You seriously think I wouldn’t apologize?”

“You never said anything.” Jiwon tried to defend but it must have sounded weak even to his own ears because an regret covered his face.

“When exactly was I supposed to tell you?” Hanbin asked and shook his head in disbelief, “When you were ignoring me or when you were sending me death glares?”

Yunhyeong could feel the guilt eat away at him. They had all gone around thinking Hanbin hadn’t apologized for what he did, that he only cooked them food and been a bit nicer to make up for his mistake but turns out he had apologized ages ago. And yeah, maybe they wouldn’t have forgiven him right away but if they had known, it wouldn’t have spiraled this badly. They wouldn’t have gone around for weeks with this gigantic elephant in the room.

Hanbin sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “Look I get that you’re mad and I don’t blame you, I deserve it all but can we please just try not to let it affect our work? The comeback is next month so we should have time to get better, right?”

“Right.” Donghyuk said quietly.

They started dancing but Yunhyeong didn’t feel like he was truly there. His mind kept going over what had happened over the past weeks and the sound of Taehyun’s slap seemed to echo in his head. He couldn’t believe the manager would do that, that he’d done it before, and that Jinhwan somehow knew about it but hadn’t said a thing. Yunhyeong didn’t doubt that Hanbin has somehow convinced the older to let it go but Jinhwan was usually more headstrong than letting himself be convinced, especially when it came to the wellbeing of the members. 

Everyone were obviously absent minded during practice and Hanbin wasn’t fairing much better so he didn’t scold them over it. He even stopped practice half an hour early and told them they should take the rest of the day off. But of course that didn’t apply to him and he headed towards the locker rooms, probably planning to get work done in his studio after. Yunhyeong wanted to go and stop him, to force him to go home with the rest of them but Jiwon shook his head at him with a small smile.

“I’ll do it.”

* * *

Hanbin couldn’t breathe. From the second he saw Taehyun’s glare in the practice room he had felt anxiety gnaw at his insides and now as water was cascading down his naked body it finally escaped. He curled up on the floor of the shower stall and really hoped nobody would come in and see him like this. There was a reason he kept to himself so much when his head was a mess like it had been over the past weeks, months actually. 

He formed his hand into a fist and beat his chest lightly with a steady rhythm, hoping his body would get the memo and fucking calm down. There wasn’t anything to be freaking out over. Yeah, maybe the guys now knew about Taehyun but they all seemed concerned, like they cared and when Hanbin had been imagining them showing him care it had erupted into a warm feeling despite bitter longing it caused. He hadn’t been expecting a fucking panic attack at the prospect of the guys caring. It didn’t make any sense. But really, when did his reactions ever make sense? 

He heard a door open and bit the insides of his cheeks to keep his noises in and he hoped the sound of the shower would hide his panting breaths. He shakily got up from his crumpled position on the floor and let habit take over in getting him clean before he grabbed his towel and dried himself off. He took a deep breath before he went back out to the locker room, hoping whoever had come in wouldn’t pay him any attention. 

But of course it wasn’t just a trainee like he’d thought and fucking Jiwon was sitting there on the bench with his phone in his hand. The older man glanced up at him and his small smile slipped off his face at Hanbin’s apparence and Hanbin headed straight for his bag to get dressed. He didn’t enjoy being exposed like this and he had no doubt that his eyes were red rimmed and face flushed from his little breakdown. 

“You okay?” Jiwon asked and Hanbin hated how careful he sounded, like he was waiting for Hanbin to crack.

“Fine.” he said through clenched teeth and started getting dressed.

“Sure you are.” Jiwon huffed and Hanbin could hear footsteps nearing him, “Can you tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

What was going on in that head of his? Too much really. He didn’t know how he was supposed to explain what he was feeling. He was so happy that the guys cared again but at the same time he was fucking pissed. Pissed that the guys only cared now that they saw he got hurt physically but hadn’t given a damn at his obvious downwards spiral over the past weeks. He was sad at that fact too. But he also couldn’t help but feel like he deserved the treatment he’d received and that he wasn’t worthy of their care now. 

He cursed under his breath and sat down on the bench, resting his head in his hands as the familiar feeling of frustration rushed over him. Why’d he have to be such a mess? 

“Come on dude,” Jiwon said and sat down next to him, “just say whatever you’re feeling; even if it’s anger towards me and the guys. You can’t keep all this stuff inside.”

“I’m just sad, I think.” Hanbin said after a beat of silence and it didn’t feel like a lie but it wasn’t the whole truth either, “I just wish none of this would have happened. I wish I hadn’t been so angry that day. It would all have been fine then.”

“Would it have been?” Jiwon asked and Hanbin looked up in confusion, “I mean I know the major issue is the group but what about Taehyun? How long has that been going on?”

“I mean he was always harsh but he didn’t get physical until a couple weeks back.” Hanbin sighed, he didn’t get why the guys were so hung up on this, “It doesn’t matter, I’ve dealt with it before.”

“I don’t think you understand how that makes it matter more.” Jiwon shook his head and Hanbin frowned, “You shouldn’t have to deal with that. There are rules against this for a reason. It’s not okay.”

“Maybe not.” Hanbin agreed but he was just so damn exhausted, he didn’t want to talk about this any longer so he stood up, “I’m gonna head to the studio.”

“Nope!” Jiwon said, popping the p as he spoke and Hanbin rolled his eyes, “You’re coming home with me and we’re going to hang out, all of us. We need to fix this, together.”

Hanbin opened his mouth to protest but Jiwon leveled him with a stare before wrapping his arm around Hanbin’s shoulders and maneuvered him out the door and towards the elevator. There really was no reason to argue with Jiwon when he was like this, he’d probably end up picking Hanbin up and carrying him the whole way home despite his kicking and screaming to be let go.

“Hey Hanbin,” Jiwon said slowly when the elevator doors closed and Hanbin looked over at him, “I’m sorry I didn’t help you fix this whole situation in the group. I shouldn’t have expected you to do it alone.”

“It was my mistake.” Hanbin said simply.

“But we didn’t even give you a chance to try and fix it, yet we expected you to do it.” Jiwon said and the regret was obvious in his voice, “I’m really sorry I was part of what made all this spiral out of control.”

“It’s okay.” Hanbin said and smiled softly, leaning into Jiwon’s side a bit more and he felt him tighten his grip around his shoulders.

* * *

It was somewhere between lunch and dinner when they all gathered in the living room to eat. There was a tense silence in the room and Chanwoo knew they were all struggling to figure out where to start. They wanted to fix this and go back to the way things used to be but were sadly aware that there was no way. 

“I’m sorry.” Jinhwan said suddenly and they all looked at the oldest to see him stare down at his plate, “I’m the oldest and I shouldn’t have let things get so bad. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Donghyuk said softly, “Well, not all your fault, the rest of us should have done something to stop it as well but we didn’t. I’m really sorry too.”

“Me too.” Junhoe and Jiwon said in unison and they all chuckled at the surprised expressions on their faces. 

“Well it was obviously my fault to begin with and I’m sorry it even happened in the first place.” Hanbin said once the chuckles simmered down, “I shouldn’t have hit Chanwoo and it’s completely understandable that you were angry.”

“Maybe so,” Yunhyeong said and Chanwoo frowned when he saw tears in the older’s eyes, “but we should have known that you knew you’d made a mistake and you were working hard to make up for it yet we all ignored it to... I don’t know, let ourselves stew in our anger. We shouldn’t have done that, especially since we know you, we know how hard you are on yourself, you didn’t need us to add onto your pain.”

Chanwoo let his eyes travel to the leader’s face and was shocked to see tears forming in his eyes. He couldn’t quite explain the expression on Hanbin’s face, it was sad but happy at the same time and there was such an exhaustion in his eyes that made Chanwoo want to wrap him up in blankets and get him to rest for about a year. Chanwoo hated how much of this was his fault.

“I should have said something.” Chanwoo blurted and the other’s eyes snapped over to him and the attention almost made him regret speaking up, but it needed to be said, “I knew you guys were angry with him for hitting me but I forgave him right after he apologized but I didn’t say anything. You guys went around thinking Hanbin wasn’t addressing the issue but he did right away, just not to you guys. If I had said something you guys probably would have forgiven him quicker.”

“Alright,” Hanbin said after a few seconds of reflective silence, “should we just agree that we all messed up and try to move forward?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Jiwon chuckled and the rest of them nodded in agreement. 

They really should learn not to complicate things.

* * *

Junhoe hates the fact that he’s so emotionally inept. Most of the time he can get away with it and blame it on being a carefree guy but when he feels, like actually feels, it always comes out as anger. And that’s the whole issue, isn’t it? He went around being pissed at Hanbin for weeks for not apologizing to Chanwoo, but of course Hanbin had apologized right away, took responsibility for his actions only to get Junhoe’s unfair treatment in response. Junhoe really hated feeling guilty and he knew he needed to apologize, that just saying “me too” wasn’t enough to make up for how he’d treated his friend. 

He hesitated slightly at Hanbin’s door and it wasn’t because it was late, Hanbin was surely awake with the insomniac tendencies the older man had. He wasn’t even particularly worried that Hanbin would be mad at him, the man had a messed up sense of self worth and Junhoe knew he thought he deserved every harsh comment and cold glare even though they had told him he didn’t. His hesitation was simply due to his own guilt, he knew he’d be forgiven but he also knew he didn’t deserve it.

The door opened.

“You do know you’re breathing insanely loudly right?” Hanbin asked and stared at Junhoe with an unimpressed look on his face.

“Sorry.” Junhoe mumbled.

“It’s fine, I wasn’t sleeping anyways.” Hanbin said and stepped aside as a silent invitation.

“That’s not why I’m sorry.” Junhoe amended as he stepped inside Hanbin’s room and he tried not to think about how unused it looked.

“What’s going on?” Hanbin asked and sat down on his bed and Junhoe joined him.

“I’m really sorry for the way I’ve been treating you, it was completely unfair and I shoul-”

“It’s okay.” Hanbin interrupted and patted Junhoe’s thigh, “You’re crazy protective even if you try not to show that you care so I understand that you were mad.”

“Doesn’t make it right though.” Junhoe insisted and Hanbin only smiled at him.

“Maybe not, but it’s like I said earlier; let’s just move forward, alright?” 

“Alright.” Junhoe said and he knew it would be easy with Hanbin but he didn’t feel much better if he was honest.

They sat there in silence for a while and it should have been awkward but it wasn’t. Junhoe hadn’t really realised it until now, but he had missed Hanbin. Even if he’d seen him almost every day, they hadn’t actually hung out and it was his fault. He hated how he had let himself get so caught up in his emotions to let things get so bad. 

“What did Chanwoo even say?” he blurted suddenly as the question he’d had since the incident force itself to the front of his mind.

“What?” Hanbin asked, eyebrows raised comically in confusion.

“Before you hit him, what did he say?”

“I don’t remember what exactly, but it was something about me not even dancing yet I was scolding you guys and that I was a shitty leader, that part I remember quite clearly.” Hanbin said and it looked like he was trying to smile but it looked more like a grimace, “Turns out he was right.”

“He wasn’t.” Junhoe said, “You’re a great leader and yeah, you have your faults but we all do. We often talk about how we’re held at impossible standards as idols and how unfair it is, but we do that to you way too much. You can’t do everything perfectly even though you expect that of yourself.”

Hanbin stared at him in surprise and Junhoe had to admit he had no idea where that little speech came from and smiled sheepishly at the leader. 

“Who knew our walking speaker could be so good at comforting words?” Hanbin said with a chuckle and Junhoe couldn’t stop a loud laugh from escaping.

“We’ll be alright, right, hyung?” Junhoe said after a beat of silence.

“Yeah, we will.” Hanbin agreed with a smile and it sounded like the truth.

Junhoe stood up and walked over to the door before stopping, “By the way, if you don’t report Taehyun and I have to see him again, I’ll beat the shit out of him.”

Hanbin rolled his eyes but smiled fondly at him, “Duly noted.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.... some people *cough* you know who you are *cough* wanted a continuation so here you go.  
> Some weird mix of fluff and angst founded in Hanbin being a sick bby.

He didn’t mean to flinch. He really didn’t. But he was exhausted and everyone were angry and Junhoe raised his hand - probably out of frustration - and Hanbin flinched. 

He could see his expression quickly change from confusion to dawning realisation and Hanbin felt himself shrink in on himself. He heard a stuttering gasp from Donghyuk and when he turned to look Hanbin felt his stomach drop. The younger man looked utterly horrified, understandably so, Hanbin had just flinched away from Junhoe, his friend, brother. 

They had been nicer since they found out about Taehyun but Hanbin couldn’t help but hate the way they looked at him now. Like some kind of wounded animal or something. Like he was traumatised - he probably was but Hanbin would never admit that outloud. 

“Hanbin-“ Junhoe started but Hanbin waved his hand in dismissal

“It’s fine. You think you’re ready to get back to recording?”

Junhoe looked ready to argue but luckily, Jinhwan cut in, “We’re ready. Let’s finish this up quickly so we can go back home.”

And so they did. The songs were nowhere near finished but Hanbin decided that it had to be enough for tonight. His throat was hurting and he wasn’t sure if it was because he’d exerted his voice too much or if he was getting sick. Not that it mattered much, he still had to go back to work the next morning and he had to do well. 

They ordered in but Hanbin wasn’t hungry. He still ate though, the sharp look Yunhyeong sent him wasn’t one to go against. 

When he finally managed to sneak away from the table he felt dead on his feet. He really did consider skipping the shower but he hated the feeling of waking up all sweaty more than anything and quickly jumped in and the cool water felt wonderful on his skin. To his surprise it didn’t have the effect of waking him up like it usually did, but he supposed that might have something to do with the fact that he’d gotten seven - maybe eight, if he was rounding it up - hours of sleep in the past three days. 

He washed up in a daze and nearly fell over getting out of the shower but fortunately managed to catch himself on the sink and he frowned when he looked himself in the mirror. He had dark circles under his eyes and his face somehow looked pale and flushed at the same time. He grabbed his lip and pinched in an attempt to get some color back but the redness quickly faded and he sighed before grabbing his toothbrush. He’d look better in the morning once he’d slept. 

His throat still hurt a bit and he made his way silently to the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water and he felt himself grow impossibly more tired as he realised he’d be in bed in just a few minutes. 

“Hey hyung.” Junhoe said just as Hanbin was leaving the kitchen and Hanbin stopped in his tracks. He hadn’t even noticed Junhoe at the counter. “Can I talk to you?”

He really didn’t want to talk about what had happened earlier but they’d all promised they’d start communicating better since the whole drama with the … slap, “What’s up?”

“You know I wasn’t gonna hit you, right?” Junhoe said with guilt lacing his voice.

“I know, I was just tired.” Hanbin smiled reassuringly at him before awkwardly pointing down the hall towards his room, “So I’m gonna go to bed now.”

“Okay hyung. Sleep well.” Junhoe said and the concern in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed by Hanbin but he was too tired to care at this point and he simply nodded before heading to bed.

* * *

He woke up with a groan and scrunched up his face at the pain in his throat. With barely open eyes, Hanbin reached for the glass of water on his bedside table and because the world hates him, it ended up smashed on the floor. 

He didn’t know what came over him but his eyes started watering despite how dry they’d felt just seconds ago and he kicked his legs like a petulant child. He stopped himself rather quickly though as he heard steps in the hallway and hastily wiped at his eyes when the door cracked open to show Chanwoo peek his head inside.

“Everything okay, hyung?” he whispered and a glance at his clock told Hanbin it was way too late - or early, however you wanna look at it - for any of them to be up.

“Yeah,” he paused in surprise at the raspiness of his voice, “I just pushed my glass of the table.” 

“Oh.” Chanwoo said and suddenly the light was on and Hanbin squeezed his eyes shut, “Hang on a bit and I’ll clean it up for you.”

“You don’t have to do that.” he said as he sat up and blinked at the harsh lighting, “I can do it.”

“I know hyung,” Chanwoo said, “But I’d feel better if you didn’t get your feet all cut up. Just let me do this for you.” 

Hanbin was about to protest but all that came out was a yawn instead and Chanwoo left with a chuckle. It didn’t make any sense, why would he leave if he’d just said he wanted to clean up? Hanbin looked down at the floor and tried to figure out how he’d be able to get around the mess on the floor without getting hurt. 

Maybe if he jumped.

He rose up on the bed and just as he made to leap Chanwoo reappeared in the doorway with a broom and dustpan in one hand and a towel in the other.

“What are you doing?” Chanwoo asked and raised his brows in confusion.

“Uh… I was gonna jump over to go get stuff to clean up.” Hanbin said and wow, had the room always been this hot?

“I just told you I was gonna clean up.” Chanwoo sighed and threw the towel over the mess, “Lay down hyung. You’re obviously sleep deprived.”

“Am not.” Hanbin grumbled but laid down on the bed and lazily watched Chanwoo clean up. 

By the time Chanwoo was done Hanbin was nearly falling asleep but he realised what had caused this mess in the first place and he gingerly got up and Chanwoo turned around from where he was just about to leave.

“What are you doing?” 

“Getting some water.” he said simply and Chanwoo shook his head at him before coming back to push him down on the bed again and any protest he’d planned to say was swept away as the room started spinning. He groaned at the unsteady sensation and closed his eyes hoping it would help.

“What’s wrong?” Chanwoo’s voice was suddenly closer and he felt a hand on his face.

“Spinning.” was all he managed to choke out as he suddenly felt nauseous. 

“You’re really hot too.” Chanwoo said but it was said so softly that Hanbin doubted he’d meant to say it outloud, “Hang on, I’ll get you the water.”

Hanbin nodded and he wasn’t sure if Chanwoo was correct in his assumption of sleep deprivation or if he was getting sick. He’d much rather it be the former. He knows how to work when he’s tired - he’s pretty much always exhausted anyways - but whenever he gets sick he gets _sick_. It was always a frustrating experience and his brain got all fuzzy and he could never really focus. 

“Here you go.” Chanwoo voice suddenly came from above and he cracked one eye open to a fortunately dark room, “I think you’re getting sick so I got you some meds if you need it. It’s on the table.”

“Thank you Chanwoo-ah.” he said and slowly sat up on the bed and grabbed the glass - not knocking it over this time.

“Don’t mention it.” Chanwoo sighed and ruffled his hair in an action that Hanbin normally would have found patronizing but right then it just felt nice, “Goodnight hyung.”

“Goodnight.”

* * *

When he woke up in the morning he felt worse than he had before. He was shivering but he could feel the sweat on his skin and he instantly knew he was sick.

But it didn’t matter. 

He had work to get done and a fever and a scratchy throat couldn’t stop him.

Only it could. Because as soon as he stood the world around him tilted and he found himself on the ground, moaning in pain as his aching body screamed in protest. He didn’t even try to get up again and simply curled up on the cold floor, bottom lip trembling as he grew frustrated with his own body. Why couldn’t he just be stronger?

“Oh my god Hanbin!” 

“I’m okay.”

Was what he meant to say but it came out as a groan and soon a pair of strong arms picked him up and he couldn’t stop himself from nuzzling his head into the crook of Jiwon’s neck. He could always recognize that scent. 

“Guys! Guys!” Hanbin cringed at Jiwon’s loud voice and squeezed his eyes shut at the brightness of the living room, “Hanbin’s hurt or sick or something.”

“Fine.” he mumbled but the others were making so much noise he doubted anyone could hear it.

“Put him on the couch.”

“Donghyuk, go get the thermometer. Chanwoo get some cold water and a cloth, he looks like he’s burning up.”

“I’m fine.” Hanbin said again as he was placed down on the couch.

“Hanbin, with all due respect,” Junhoe said calmly, “shut up.”

“Rude.” he huffed but felt a soft blanket draping over him and he sighed at the comforting feeling of it all.

He stayed still as Yunhyeong felt his forehead and stuck a thermometer under his tongue. He knew there was no point in arguing with the others right now. He’d just wait until they’d calmed down and then grab a quick shower and head to his studio. 

He felt pretty nauseous right then anyways, so he was pretty content just laying there for a while. 

“39°C. That ain’t good.” Yunhyeong sighed once the thermometer beeped, “How does the rest of you feel, and don’t give me any bullshit.” 

“Nauseous and my throat hurts.” Hanbin choose to be honest for once, “but it’s okay, I can handle it. I’ll just take some meds and then we can head to work.”

“No way!” Jinhwan and Jiwon said at the same time and Hanbin squinted at them in what he hoped would be intimidating but then he realised that he was pitifully curled up on the couch under a fluffy blanket and he cursed his body once again.

“Dude seriously, you can’t work like this.” Donghyuk said, “We’ll call the managers and tell them you’re sick.” 

“No it’s okay!” He sat up and the room spun, “I can do it, I’ve done it before you don’t need to tell Taehyu-“ he cut himself off as he realised what he was saying. 

He reluctantly looked up to see the guys look at him with pity and pain and he hated it. 

“The others aren’t like that.” Jinhwan spoke slowly and despite how much he hated it he was grateful for it cause his mind really couldn’t keep up with what was going on, “You know that Hanbin, just take today off and you can make up for it when you’re better.”

“I’ll come with you to the studio when you’re well, help you out with whatever you need.” Jiwon added and Hanbin felt himself deflate.

They were right. He couldn’t work right now. He felt cold and sweaty and delirious and nauseous and the list went on and on. And for once he chose to be honest with himself, sleeping sounded way better than staring at a screen for hours on end.

“Okay.” he said, voice barely above a whisper and he heard a few gasps of relief and a quiet _thank god_ from Junhoe. 

“I’ll make you some soup.” Yunhyeong said and left.

“You wanna go back to bed or-” Chanwoo started.

“I’ll stay here.” Hanbin mumbled and pulled the blanket tighter around himself and let his eyes fall closed.

* * *

When he woke up the next time there was a soft pillow under his head and more blankets over him. Someone was running a cool cloth over his forehead and he tilted his head towards the touch. He felt horrible but comfortable. It was a strange feeling, one he’d never associated with being sick before. He usually just suffered on his own, waiting for it to pass.

“You awake?” Jinhwan asked and Hanbin blinked his eyes open to see the older knelt in front of him with a concerned look on his face.

“I think so.” he said with a teasing grin, “Otherwise this is a horrible dream, a monster right in front of me.”

“Punk.” Jinhwan scoffed as he rose to his feet, “I’ll go heat up your soup.”

Hanbin chuckled slightly but found himself frowning when he missed the soothing sensation of the cloth and reached for it on the table. He laid it on his forehead and let himself rest his eyes again. He hated the tiredness that came with being sick. His usual exhaustion - however annoying it may be - gave him a strange sense of satisfaction as it meant he’d been productive. This tiredness just felt undeserved. 

“Hey buddy,” Jiwon’s voice came from above, “how you feeling?”

“Bad.” he croaked, prompting a chuckle from the older.

“Could you be more specific?” 

Suddenly the cloth on his forehead disappeared and he whined at the loss but just as quickly it was back and colder than before. He shivered slightly but it felt nice against his heated skin. Fevers had always confused Hanbin, how could your body be overheated yet it made you feel so cold, it made no sense.

“Throat still hurts but I don’t feel nauseous anymore.” he said when he realised he still hadn’t answered Jiwon’s question.

“Good.” Jinhwan’s voice came in and he opened his eyes to see him walk in with a bowl, “Then maybe you can eat this.”

Jiwon helped Hanbin sit up and he had to take a moment to let the dizziness pass before he could take the bowl of soup. It smelled amazing and the warm liquid soothed his sore throat.

“Chanwoo and Junhoe are picking you up some meds.” Jiwon said as he ate, “They left like an hour ago though, no idea what’s taking them so long.”

“They’re dumb.” Jinhwan huffed and pulled out his phone, “They probably have no idea what to get.” 

Hanbin froze with the spoon halfway to his mouth, “Wait, why aren’t you guys at work?”

“We’re taking care of you obviously.” Jiwon said and looked at Hanbin like he was being ridiculous.

“But I’m fine.” Hanbin said and sighed when both Jinhwan and Jiwon fixed him with a glare, “Okay, so I’m not fine. But you don’t need to take care of me.”

“Look Hanbin,” Jinhwan started, “the managers told us we could take the day off and we wanted to take care of you for once. You do so much for us so this is the least we could do.”

“But-”

“Just accept it Hanbin.” Jiwon interrupted any protest he could muster and Hanbin sighed but nodded.

He finished his soup while listening to the one sided conversation of Jinhwan scolding the youngest two over the phone. When he was done he passed the bowl to Jiwon and laid back down on the couch and as soon as his head hit the pillow he felt his eyes struggling to stay open. Apparently being awake for half an hour was too much for him.

* * *

Once they were sure Hanbin was asleep and comfortable Jiwon and Jinhwan split up to get some well deserved alone time. The day off couldn’t have come at a better time - though Jiwon of course wished it would have been under better circumstances -, they’d been working nonstop for what felt like an eternity and because of that were rarely away from each other. And Jiwon was a pretty extroverted person, he could enjoy time with people easily but even he was growing tired of it. 

He threw himself on the bed and scrolled through his phone till he got tired and he decided a nap wouldn’t hurt.

Turns out he was wrong.

He came to to the sound of yelling and lurched out of bed, rushing towards the source of the noise.

He stumbled to a stop in the doorway of the living room and stared in shock at the scene in front of him.

Chanwoo and Junhoe was trying to stop a struggling Hanbin from passing by them. The leader was sweaty and his movements were jerky but sluggish at the same time. But what shocked Jiwon the most was the distant look in his eyes, it was like he wasn’t even there.

“Hanbin calm down!” Junhoe yelled and Hanbin visibly flinched at the sound and stumbled back.

“I can do it.” he said and Jiwon frowned in confusion, “I’ll get it done, just don’t hit me.”

“I- I’m not gonna hit you.” Junhoe stuttered out, backing up in shock at the strange reaction.

“Hanbin just sit down.” Chanwoo said slowly, raising his hands and approaching Hanbin like he was a wounded animal, “It’s okay, just sit down.”

Hanbin shook his head but didn’t flinch at Chanwoo coming closer and let himself be pushed down on the couch. The blankets and pillows were on the ground and the cloth they’d used to cool him down was as well.

It was then Jiwon realised Hanbin must be in some sort of delirius feverish state. He didn’t seem to realise what was going on around him. He probably didn’t even know who was in front of him with how absent he seemed. 

“Get some more cold water.” Jiwon choked out and lurched forward, kneeling next to Chanwoo in front of the couch, “It must be his fever making him confused.”

He heard cluttering in the kitchen and footsteps out in the hallway but he ignored it in favor of grabbing the sides of Hanbin’s face to get him to look at him.

“Hanbin, you’re okay.” he said, trying to sound calmer than he actually was, “Do you know my name?”

He felt Chanwoo’s eyes on him but he focused on the confused look on Hanbin’s face. The younger man shook his head as if to clear it before closing his eyes and letting his head hang.

“What’s going on?” Donghyuk’s voice came from behind him and with a quick glance back Jiwon saw the others gathered in the doorway.

“His fever is spiking or something.” he said before forcing Hanbin’s head up again but the younger man’s eyes were still closed, “Hanbin look at me, please.” Brown eyes blinked open and Jiwon scolded his expression so he wouldn’t look too concerned. He knew Hanbin hated pity and would often confuse concern for it. “What’s my name?” he asked again.

“Jiwon.” Hanbin whispered and Jiwon nodded.

“You back with us now?” Chanwoo asked and Hanbin glanced over at the younger before nodding.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Chanwoo said and Hanbin nodded again, “It’s okay, just lay back down.”

Hanbin let himself be pushed down into a lying position on the couch and Junhoe placed a bowl of water on the ground next to him. They calmly wrapped Hanbin up in blankets and Junhoe passed Jiwon the cloth. 

He silently ran the cloth over Hanbin’s forehead and could see the lines there slowly ease and he let out a breath of relief. Those were probably the most stressful minutes in Jiwon’s life.

“Hey Hanbin can you open your mouth.” Yunhyeong asked as he sat down on the armrest of the couch, “I wanna take your temperature again.”

Hanbin wordlessly opened his mouth and they waited for the thermometer to beep. When it finally did, Yunhyeong took it out and breathed a sigh of relief.

“It’s 38°C, it’s gone down since this morning.”

“Then why did he freak out like that?” Chanwoo asked and Jiwon frowned when he saw Hanbin tense up again.

“I had a nightmare.” Hanbin mumbled but they were all huddled close enough around him to hear it.

“About Taehyun?” Donghyuk said after a beat of silence.

“Yeah, I just got confused.” Hanbin sighed and twisted his body to curl up on his side.

They stayed like that for a while. Jinhwan sat down on the couch and pulled Hanbin’s legs onto his lap and Chanwoo and Donghyuk were sat with their backs against the couch, occasionally glancing over at the sick man. Yunhyeong stayed seated on the armrest and Junhoe was stood awkwardly a little bit away from the rest of them and Jiwon frowned slightly at the fact but continued to run the cloth over Hanbin’s hot skin. 

“You don’t have to stay here you know.” Hanbin said suddenly and Jiwon jerked in surprise, he’d thought he’d fallen asleep.

“We just want to make sure you’re okay.” Jinhwan said and ran his hand up and down his thigh.

“I am.” Hanbin said and cracked his eyes open to glance around at them.

“I don’t think so.” Yunhyeong said, running a hand through Hanbin’s greasy hair.

“You’re the one who said my fever’s gone down.” Hanbin huffed and closed his eyes again.

“I don’t mean physically.” Yunhyeong said and Hanbin’s eyes snapped open.

“It was just a nightmare okay?” he said and pulled his legs away from Jinhwan and sat back up with a little bit of a struggle.

“But it’s more than that.” Yunhyeong argued.

Hanbin sighed, “If this is about Taehyun again, can you please just drop it? It’s fine.”

“No it’s fucking not.” Junhoe spoke up and when Jiwon glanced over at him he looked pissed, “You have nightmares about him, do you not realise how messed up that is?”

“So? It’s not like it’s something I can control and besides it’s over now.” Hanbin said and Jiwon could see his walls coming up.

“It doesn’t change the fact-” 

“Of course it doesn’t!” Hanbin yelled, or tried to, it sounded more like a hiss with the raspiness of his voice. “But it doesn’t matter, alright?”

“You really don’t see how awful it is that you got abused by our manager, do you?” Donghyuk said in disbelief.

“And the fact that it’s happened before.” Junhoe added in what almost sounded like a growl. 

“I know that it sucks but honestly, I can handle it. It’s just nightmares.” Hanbin said and it sounded like the fight was draining out of him, “And I promise you, I’ll tell you if something like that happens again if it will make you feel better.”

“Pinky promise?” Chanwoo asked and stood up in front of Hanbin, extending his pinky towards him.

Hanbin chuckled but linked his pinky with Chanwoo’s, “Pinky promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate the ending but I'm lazy and dumb so you'll just have to deal ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Please let me know what you think!  
> xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think!   
> xoxo


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